Secrets and Lies Read online

  “Guys don’t have that, Josh. And does it really matter what she says? No one listens after they hear ‘do you want sex?’” Beth tilts her head to the side and makes a face, like she thinks guys are mindless zombie folk.

  “You should tell him that you’re not looking for a relationship and ask him if he wants to do something. Let him offer.” Josh turns to me and studies the side of my face. “You’ve only been with one guy?”

  I nod. “Yeah.”

  “Was he good? Ouch! Beth, what the hell?” He shifts next to me and clutches his leg under the table.

  “You can’t ask her that! I met her, like, an hour ago and you’re already asking if her ex satisfied her sexually? God, Josh! Go to the store and buy some manners.”

  Josh cringes. “I didn’t say it like that.”

  The two of them are like a comedy act. I can tell they love each other, but they both have very different, chaffing personalities. “It’s okay,” I offer, and they stop squabbling and look at me. “I don’t have a reference point outside of my ex—he was my first and only.”

  Beth looks horrified. “You thought you were going to be together forever, didn’t you? Oh my God. Josh, don’t be a dick, hug her.”

  I laugh nervously and scoot toward the wall, “Yeah, that’s okay. I really don’t—well, okay.” Before I can get away, Josh throws his arms around me and squeezes hard, mashing my body against his in a bear of a side-hug. I choke, “I’m fine. Really.”

  “You poor kid!” He releases me and slips out. “Beth, I can head out there with you after seven. If you want to go before then, call Jace.”

  Beth’s jaw tightens and she doesn’t look at him. “You’re not coming.”

  Josh smirks and chuckles. “You’re funny.” He kisses the top of her head and Beth mashes her lips together like she’s going to explode. “See you ladies tonight. Oh, and Kerry—dress like you want a good time.” He winks at me and rushes out.

  CHAPTER 3

  I get dressed in Beth’s room out of fear my horrible roommate will figure out what’s going on and ruin it for me. I’ve only been here a few days, but she’s already turned half the dorm against me. Well, maybe that’s an overstatement, but it feels like truth.

  Beth pulls a red dress from her closet. The neckline is a deep V and the fabric is slinky. “Try this. It’s my lucky dress. Guys will slobber all over you.”

  I take it and look for a place to change, but the room is a box. There’s no privacy. Beth notices my hesitation and walks over to the closet. She pulls a door, leaving it halfway open. “Change behind here. How are you this old and still this shy?”

  “I don’t know. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. That’s all.” I strip my tee shirt off and slip the dress over my head before stepping out of my jeans.

  “You realize that having sex with a random guy tonight means he’s going to see you naked, right? You can’t act like a virgin or you’ll freak him out.” The bedsprings give and I know she’s sitting down.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Uh, you can’t hide behind doors and under sheets. You have to strut around like you own that sinfully curvy body. I wish I had hips. I’m assless. It makes me sad.” Beth looks up when I step around the door. The dress is skintight. I tug at the fabric and try to pull the hemline down. If I bend over, my butt will peek out.

  Beth jumps up and races over. “Holy shit. You look hot. Do you see this?” With a huge smile on her face, she pulls me in front of the mirror.

  “I don’t know. You don’t think that it makes me look fat?”

  Beth gives me a face that says she’d kill for my body, but it’s hard to believe. She’s cute and I feel bulky standing next to her. “You have it all—tits and ass with a tiny waist. Besides, sexiness is a state of mind. If you think you’re sexy, you will be. It’s confidence. Put on a fake persona tonight and toss your self-image issues out the window. We can blame your mother for ruining your life another time.”

  Beth styles my hair and applies my makeup. By the time she’s done, I don’t recognize myself. My hair falls in silky waves and my lips are dark red. I look like a model. I look like someone else. It feels really weird to look into a mirror and not recognize the image staring back. I want to back out, but I can’t now. Beth is ready to go. She throws on a cute dress with a frilly skirt that comes to her knee.

  “Why do you get to dress like that?” I’m practically whining.

  Beth steps into her little black slippers and explains. “It’s for comparison purposes. If I’m wearing a little church dress, you look like the slutty one. All the guys will look at you first and ignore me, which is what we want.”

  Once we’re both ready, we head to her car and make our way toward the other side of the city. For a second, I worry about what will happen when I actually get there, but Beth’s driving distracts me. Suddenly, I’m taking way too many deep breaths and trying not to scream. As she careens down a ramp insanely fast, my reflexes overpower my desire to be polite and I grab hold of the oh-shit strap.

  Beth apologizes. “I don’t usually hit stuff. I promise.” Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better. I just nod. “Plus, this is a Volvo. You have my brothers to thank for that. They told my parents it was the safest car out there. They got cute little convertibles for graduation. I got a soccer mom car. Bastards. So what do you drive?”

  “Nothing at the moment. I thought things would be within walking distance.”

  “Yeah, they’re really not—unless twenty miles back and forth to the mall doesn’t faze you. We’ll have to go car shopping one day.”

  Sure, if I live that long. By the time we get to the bar, I’m a ball of nerves. My stomach churns and I feel sick. I’m standing next to the Volvo in the parking lot, waiting for Beth. “I can’t do this.” I’m ready to jump back in the car, but she locks the doors before I can yank mine open.

  “Yes, you can. You want to get over your ex, right?” I nod. “Then you know what to do. Listen, I don’t want to pressure you into anything. If you decide not to ask anyone, then don’t. But we drove all the way here. Let’s at least have a good time before we head back. Okay?”

  I can do that. I can have a good time and laugh even though I wish I were at home, on my mom’s couch, crying like a baby. No, it’s fine. I can totally do this and Beth’s right. Just because I go inside, doesn’t mean I have to go through with it. I can chicken out.

  Beth and I walk in and I instantly feel eyes on me. They travel over my body, overtly sizing me up. I won’t be shy and timid. Not tonight. As Beth and I head toward a table, I notice a guy looking me over and suddenly I don’t mind so much. Being desired feels good. We sit down at a table and order drinks. We sip and talk about nothing for a while. I’m not seeing the right guy and I don’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t give me a good vibe. I don’t want a pushy guy. Actually, I prefer shy guys and realize this whole ‘wanna do me?’ thing might not work on a shyer man.

  Josh tries to join us, but Beth shoos him away, so he takes up residence at another table that quickly fills with women. How did he do that? He smiles a lot and has this lazy body language that seems to act like girl-nip. They go crazy for it.

  After two hours, I’m ready to call it quits. “There’s no one here that’s even close to my type.”

  Beth slurps the bottom of her daiquiri. “He doesn’t have to be your type.”

  “Are you seriously advocating that I do it with an ug-o?”

  Beth snorts and nearly chokes. “No! That’s not what I meant.”

  “Good, otherwise I’d have to worry about you trying to pawn me off on one of the janitors in the dorm.”

  She grins wickedly. “That was my plan for tomorrow night.”

  “Loser,” I tease and shake my head.

  “I’m not the one who can’t get laid,” she laughs. It’s weird how fast she feels like a friend. I kick her under the table. “Hey!”

  “I can so get laid! I just want him to be…
” my eyes drift across the room and I see him – Mr. Right. A guy is sitting alone at a back corner table, wearing a red ball cap. His face is downcast and there’s a sketchpad in front of him. My voice dies in my throat as I stare. He’s perfect.

  Beth turns around in her seat. “Seriously?”

  I pull my eyes off of him just as he looks up. “Why? What’s wrong with him?”

  “Nothing, if you like that serial killer vibe.”

  “He’s an artist.”

  “Ten bucks says there’s nothing drawn in that sketch pad.”

  I don’t like her bashing my mystery man. “No, he’s not using that as a ploy. He’s real.”

  Beth is trying not to laugh. “You are so naïve.”

  “I am not.” I say it dreamily as I watch him move the pencil across the paper, and then flip it over, smudging the page with the eraser.

  “Okay, so let’s make a bet. If he’s a fake, I win and you have to buy me a piece of cake. If he’s a real artist, then you win and you have to ask him. Deal?” I don’t answer. Instead, I squirm in my seat and try not to look at him. “What’s the matter? If he’s the artsy type, you found what you were looking for. If he isn’t, I get cake. It’s a good bet.”

  “She won’t do it.” Josh suddenly appears. He’s standing next to Beth and smiles at me in that smug way that only truly spoiled men can pull off. “She doesn’t have it in her.”

  “You’re an asshole.” My gaze flicks up and meets his, while Beth laughs.

  “I know. I’m okay with it. But, you’re a nice girl, and you’ll stay that way. There’s no way you can work up enough nerve to walk over there and ask that guy to sleep with you.”

  “Yeah, well watch me.” Who said that? My pride is whooping and slapping me on my back.

  Suddenly, I’m out of my seat and making a beeline toward Mystery Man. He’s concentrating on his drawing and doesn’t look up. I’m so nervous, I want to die. What if he shoots me down? What if he just laughs? I don’t think I could bear it. Stop thinking! Just say it. Just say it. Don’t wait for him to look up. Don’t wait for him to have a chance to say anything. Just spit it out.

  As soon as I’m by his table, I say, “Listen, I’m not looking for a relationship and you look a little bit lonely over here. Maybe we could go someplace and fix that?” My voice is confident and flows like warm honey. I’m so proud, I actually manage a sexy smile and slip into the booth opposite him.

  When he looks up, I literally choke. “It’s you!” Before I can recover, I sputter some ungodly sound and gape at him.

  “So, is that what you were doing in the men’s room this morning? The school really frowns on soliciting.” The corners of his lips twitch, like he’s trying not to laugh at my shock. Those sapphire eyes seem amused. He taps his pencil on the table and looks me over. “Although, when they put up the signs, I doubt they had that kind in mind.”

  My jaw hits the table, and I’m still frozen in place. Holy fuck, he’s hot and that teasing tone doesn’t help. My mind is screaming at me to run, but I can’t move. Something about the moment has the mesmerizing quality of headlights, and I’m sitting like a deer waiting to be struck between the eyes.

  Pull it together, Kerry! I shake off my shock and stand to leave, but he reaches out and grabs my wrist. I glance down at him, waiting to see what he’s going to say.

  “I didn’t say no. I’m just making sure that I don’t have a hooker stalking me.”

  Pressing my hand to my chest, I say sweetly, “How flattering, but no thanks. I’ve changed my mind.” Tearing my wrist from his grip, I turn to sprint away, but he jumps up from his booth and follows me.

  “Wait a second. Don’t be like that. I was just kidding. Really.” I stop and turn back to face him. Mistake. Those eyes are so blue and so sincere that I can’t blow him off. A nervous tick appears in the corner of his mouth, making it twitch. “Can I show you something?”

  “I’ve already seen it, thanks.”

  He laughs once, loudly, and gently takes my hand, pulling me back to his table. “You’ve got a sharp tongue when it’s not tangled. Seriously, come here. I want to show you what I was sketching.” He stops in front of the table and picks up the pad, flipping backwards through the pages.

  I glance side to side and see Beth waving at me from across the room. It’s such a dorky thing to do, but it makes me laugh. I swat at her and turn back to see what this guy is doing. “My friend thought the whole artsy thing was a ploy to pick up girls. We actually made a bet.”

  He looks intrigued. “Really? What were the terms?”

  “If she wins, and you’re a loser with an empty sketch pad, she gets cake.”

  “You bet that I wasn’t a fake?” I smile, and slide my eyes to the side, nodding. “Interesting. So what do you get if you win?”

  My face feels hot, but I say it anyway. “You.” Tonight, I’m not me. I’m confident, sexual, and everything I’m totally lacking in real life.

  Smiling shyly, he looks down and hands me the pad before sitting in the booth. “I’m afraid your friend lost her cake.”

  The smile slips off my lips when I see what he’s drawn. It’s me. My long smooth wavy hair is obscuring my face, but it’s certainly me, my little nose, and this slutty dress. But the way he drew me sitting in the booth opposite Beth—I don’t know—I look ethereal and unapproachable. He drew me as if I were just out of his reach.

  I stare at it for a second before looking over at him. “I bet you drew every woman in here.”

  “I don’t recall that being part of the bet, but go ahead and turn the page.” He offers a crooked smile.

  I flip through the pad and see saltshakers, lamps, the back of a waiter carrying too much food, and other things that are utterly ordinary. He captured the weight of the tray and the way it tips to the side slightly, like it might fall. Even the objects that he drew on the table seem evocative. When I look at him, he offers a weak smile and reaches for the pad. “I don’t usually share this. It’s like a journal.”

  I know what he means. I don’t show my sketches to anyone. They reflect the state of my mind, and my heart. He’s braver than I am, showing those things to a total stranger. For a moment, I don’t know myself. I’m not me. Reaching out, I extend my hand and say it again, “I’m not looking for a relationship.”

  He takes it and stands. Looking into my eyes, he breathes, “Neither am I.”

  A smile spreads across my face as my heart pounds harder. “Then let’s get out of here.”

  Nodding, he leads me toward the door. On the way out, I pass Beth’s table and grin. “You lost.”

  She gives me a huge grin. “Yeah, but you hit the jackpot.”

  I did, didn’t I? He’s hot, funny, shy, and artistic. He’s my dream guy. For only one night, he can’t be anything less.

  CHAPTER 4

  We drive to a hotel down the street and before I know it, we’re tangled together in a dark little room, his lips on mine. My heart keeps telling me I’m cheating on Matt even though my brain reminds me that we’re over. Since I’m not a cheater, I understand why Beth was telling me to do this. If I wanted something with this guy, he’d have to live up to Matt in every single way.

  Gasping for air, he breaks the kiss and sits up a little bit. We’re lying on the bed, side by side. Pushing up on an elbow, he looks down at me. “I never got a chance to ask your name. I’m—”

  I press my fingers to his lips¸ “No names. Say anything you like. We can do anything we want without worrying about tomorrow. There is no tomorrow for us.” As I speak, I slip the shoulders of my dress off and the bodice crumples around my waist, revealing my bra. The black lace fabric is sheer, and I know he can see right through it. It took a long time for me to be comfortable being naked in front of Matt, but I don’t have time to feel timid with this guy. My mystery man’s eyes darken as I slip out of the dress and lay back on the bed. The matching panty covers my front but showcases the curves of my ass.

  His eyes drink me i
n, but he hesitates. Something flashes across his face, but I can’t tell what it is. Regret? I wonder what ghosts are plaguing him right now, and I wonder if they’re as strong as the memories of Matt that keep wandering through my mind. I have to do this. I can’t let Mystery Man back out, and it feels like that’s what he’s about to do, so I take things a step further. I sit up and unhook my bra. Reaching behind me, I pull it off and hold it between two fingers before dropping it to the floor, my eyes locked on his face as I do it. The lights are on, and this is so weird for me, but I do it anyway. I can’t even fathom the person I would be if I didn’t hate my body, if I didn’t scold myself for every excess ounce of fat. I can’t imagine a world without those checks to guide my decisions. I’d be someone else, and in the moment I am.

  Mystery Man is sitting up, so I crawl over to him and swing my leg over his lap, straddling him. He sucks in air as I settle in place. My pulse is pounding in my ears and I try not to consider what he must think of me, what he must think of what I’m doing. I think he’s beautiful. From the look in his eye, I know he wants me. His hands slip up my sides, feeling my ample curves, and then back down again. He cups my butt and pulls me to him, his lips crushing down on mine. The kiss grows hotter as our tongues tangle in my mouth. I spread my hands on his chest, tugging at his shirt, trying to get it off. We break apart long enough to pull the fabric over his head and then he presses his bare chest against me. I feel his warm skin and toned muscles slipping against my breasts.

  Matt didn’t have this guy’s muscles. Each one is so perfectly defined that I want to lick him from head to toe. I trace my fingers over his arms, feeling the strength in them, while the pulsing between my thighs increases. He’s hard beneath me, so when I start to rock my hips he moans into my mouth through our kiss. Breaking apart, I rise up and press my breasts to his face. Mystery Man wants me, but he’s holding back. I can tell because when I do it, he stiffens and the hesitation is there again.